I pinky PROMISE...

That I have a some words rolling around in this sorta messed up brain of mine.

They have not aligned themselves just yet...but...they will :)

Okay...Brutal Honesty? Ya want it? Good....

 Here it is:

I am afraid of my blog "sinking" because I have not written as much lately.

(Yes, my brain is still in high school apparently)

I don't want to lose you all.  

You ... just by reading my words...make me feel good and useful.

I know that is sorta ridiculous that my blog makes me think that way....but...my brain is ridiculous itself right now so it sorta makes sense? Yes?

All that to say.....

Don't go away....

I need you guys....and you are fun to learn from.

With that...I will ''sign off" and work on getting the thoughts in my head to meet and greet each other thus producing something new to write about :)

I do have some silly pics of our Motley Crew that are screaming at me to post ;)

Luvs,

Andrea

Gratitude is hanging on our Wall .... um. kinda. You'll get it in a second ... Promise.

You all know I have been pushing through the days the several weeks. We are convinced it is new medicines that I am needing to adapt too....but it still leaves me frustrated, guilt-ridden, and "down" at times.


When the new medicines were working really well (about a month ago for 2 weeks) I finally got to a family project I'd wanted to do.


A "Family Gratitude Journal".


You can see from the pictures that I decided it needed to be ANCHORED to the WALL for it not to "disappear" .... if you have kids or been around kids I know you know what I am talking about!


It is going quite well. Our goal is to have 1,000 entries by December 31st. 


There is no pressure to put in an entry but the kids are filling it up! It is anchored to the wall in a semi-private area of the house (in front of our master bedroom) because I wanted the kids to know that it would not be read by everyone who walks through the front door!


Also, the kiddos pass the "spot" alot and see it often which reminds them to stop for a moment and enter something they are GRATEFUL for.


We have entries that talk about being grateful for certain people to pizza :)   Aven, who cannot write yet, draws pictures for her entries. Tye has to have help writing his entries down but he understands what we are doing. We explain it to him as telling him it is to write down what makes us "happy" as the word "grateful" is still to intangible and unknown to him....but he knows "happy" (thank you Jesus :)


Well, haven't I learned a lesson the last several weeks as I WALK PAST THE GRATEFULNESS JOURNAL!!


I have SO much to be grateful for......just seeing the journal hanging there reminds me of the endless entries I could sit down and write.


Yes, I feel crummy. Cruddy. Down. Frustrated.


BUT....danggit....I am putting entries in that Journal. 


We can be grateful even when we are sad, hurt, confused, mad, tired, in pain. Even when I do not FEEL "grateful".....I AM GRATEFUL.


I'm learning so many lessons as I fight Post Traumatic Stress, as I deal with new symptoms, as I wonder when I will feel "normal" 7 days in a row again, as I hope to God my kids do not think I am lazy or "always asleep"....that they do not remember me as just being in bed (which is getting better but....it is what it is. I am in bed - exhausted and fighting anxiety - often).


Well...here are some more things I am grateful for.....It gets a bit sappy (sorry) and is heavy on "slobber" in regards to my kids...... bear with me! It serves me well to ponder and remember how grateful I am for some of their qualities...


I haven't included my Superman Husband because I sorta keep the details of our marriage out of this blog but .... he knows I am immensely grateful for SO many things about him. Blows my socks off.... I adore him.


Ok....GRATEFULNESS!!  Let's go!

Emily (my cousin, friend, Guat Momma Gang...a fellow Chicago incident survivor!) used to babysit Chase when I was still corporate. She has been a huge part of Chase's life...and now he is taller than her! So weird! So grateful for their neat relationship.


I am exceptionally GRATEFUL for my precious Chase. He brings sunshine into my life every single day. I still cannot believe God granted him to us. So grateful......

Sophia (Emily's Guat Girl) and my Guat Girl havin a bit of a playdate a couple of weeks ago. Guat Girls bring Gratefullness!!

Seriously...going to Aven's ballet/tap is a shot in the arm for Jim and I. Is is just SO adorable! Makes me grateful that she is enjoying herself so entirely.

f

I am grateful that Aven gives me little gifts and pictures ALL DAY LONG ;)  I remember my other kids being in this stage and it's entirely sweet and makes me feel honored.  I have kept many of my "babies'" creations in a big box I call my "Joy Box"  .... I will add this sequined plastic plate to my collection tonight :) 

 Oh this boy. When I sit and ponder him. Really audit his journey there is nothing but "OH thank you God" for how far he has come and trusting he will get the rest of the way "there".  

 My kids truly love being homeschooled. I know there aren't any pictures of my older kids here (showing them wit a sappy-smile with their schoolwork...ha) but I get a RUSH when I see them learn, enjoy, grow, experiment, and a help each other learn. 11 years of homeschooling. Very grateful.

Trey EXCELS at helping out with the smaller kids. He definitely has a knack for teaching and enjoys it. He is patient and kind and truly interested in helping them learn. 

I am grateful that I can have Trey help me with Aven's kindergarten when I need to and KNOW that she is in great hands....her big brother's hands.  He will always be there for his siblings...He is just wired like that. Goosebump Grateful.


(Yes, I was using bouillion cubes to help Tye with Math. It's a long story....but....they were a good choice from what I had to pick from!!!  Then, Aven [who smells everything], carried a cube around all day sniffing it because she said it smelled like "soup"..... that is even weirder than me using bouillion cubes to help Tye with Math!! )

 I had some girlfriends over the other night and oh HECK being around my friends makes me feel SO VERY GRATEFUL! 

{seriously do NOT look at my hair. Awe dang you just looked! This was the end of the night...We'd been teaching each other "Show Choir" dance moves [I know that sounds cheesy but it was truly hysterical :], etc...

My hair was a hot mess...as you can see! dang....messy hot mess!!! Stop looking!! ;}

To have friends that have stuck through this ridiculous journey with me...well... I am stinking BLESSED! 

Just like you all who read my blog and encourage me....It is just amazing what friendship (in real life or cyber!) can do to help a girl feel better!

 Tye gave Aven a "makeover".  She felt and thought the makeup looked beautiful...and I went with that....as I giggled behind her back and laughed as Tye was trying to put mascara on her lips ;) 

I am grateful that Tye would go along with this type of play and I am immensely grateful for the giggles I heard coming from the bathroom.

I am GRATEFUL for our family. I could not ask for more. It would be impossible to have a tighter little puzzle of people ..... 

It amazes me how our Motley Crew has come together, how the personalities work together, how God uses one member to sharpen another, how one draws out a necessary character trait in another that benefits the latter dramatically.  


So.


Yes.


I am grumpy. mad. confused. tired of this journey. surprised at new symptoms....

BUT...I can still be GRATEFUL and I need to be focus on that. 

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR??

Andrea

NOTE: I am NOT grateful for how Aven trashes her room every other day! I do believe the girl has one to many tu-tu's.... which is something I NEVER thought I would say!!!!

Click the orange sentence below to leave me a thought, comment, etc!!


v v v v v v v v v v v v v v  

It's Just Not There.

I have no idea what is going on with me.


But, I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to say.


I have tried to remind myself that this blog is to document our family and, along the way, have some fantastic conversations with you guys.  You guys make me think. You make me a better person.


But.


I'm blank.


I could tell you about the bird cage, with a bird in it, has been banished to the front coat closet because she will only be quiet in the dark.


You could laugh along with me as I pondered the state of my life the other day....pondering because I was using wrapped, beef bouillon cubes to help Tye with Math. (candy melts! and he can't eat much of anything anyways....so the cubes seemed like the right choice when I was surveying my options in the pantry!).

And, as a result of discovery bouillon cubes...Aven (who smells everything..it's eery and scary) now loves to carry some around and just "smell them cuz they smell like soup". Um? Normal? No!

Or how Chase, age 15, is sure he is getting a new mustang when he turns 16 and how that is all he talks about. But, in reality, if he is LUCKY he will get a beater. Reality bites.  He is about to learn this.

Or maybe how Trey is now fashion-obessed and looks way better than me 99% of the time! He does his hair every morning (remember..we homeschool...coiffed hair not required ;) and puts on an outfit that takes him quite awhile to decide upon. This is shocking as he is the last of the 5 that I foresaw doing this. It is also quite enamoring.

I could tell you that Zane now owns a SNAKE. And Jim and I bought it for him :) It's a small corn snake. It's gross. Scary. Slithery. gross. scary. slithery. Did I say gross? BUT the boy adores it and it is IN HIS ROOM. I told him there's better be a boulder on the lid of that cage!

Tye took his guinea pig, "Beijing", for a walk -outside- yesterday. Yep, a collar fits Beijing's neck so...WHY NOT I ASK??! Cutest thing ever.

(I guess I wasn't totally blank.)

But, I just do not feel "myself".

I was having some seriously good days a few weeks ago but then another new medication was added...I dunno. I feel a little raw added with numb.

I am a little tired of the "fight" to get normal. I'm starting to think that my brain may never bounce back and that we need to redefine "normal" for Andrea.

I am out and about more. The PTSD is tamed better with the new medications and some of the other symptoms/disorders that were diagnosed recently are somewhat better.

There is also some deep relational (not Jim :) hurt that I am trying to sort through. It bogs me down. Makes me mad, sad, confused, and torn.  This has been going on for years though. Why is it hanging on me like this right now??

I.....just.....scrape each day through.

I am happy.

I enjoy my family.

I am seeing friends IRL.

But...it all feels like it is done by scraping, pushing, convincing myself, mentally, that I can "do it".

This is not cancer. It is not heart disease. It is not ALS. It is not MS.

"This" that I fight  is not terminal.

But "this" is stinks. hurts. makes me feel weak....that I have to take a whole regimen of pills every night simply to be "ok". 

Jim and I have decided we ARE going to adopt again.....in a few years. (and everyone says "DUH!")

But, we had to figure it out for ourselves, ya know? I know God is not done with our family but I also feel Him whispering "Enjoy this lull. Enjoy what you have."  And that is what we will do...and are doing....

But I am still fighting to do this.....and it's exhausting.

Dang. I'm a downer. Not even any cute kid pictures or funny graphics.

Sorry.

This is "ME" the last many days. 

Would appreciate advice and encouragement....You all have walked through so much of this blasted PTSD with me.  

I'll perk up. 


Andrea

Note: If we are friends on Facebook....I definitely do not seem as "remorse" there...but Facebook is an odd place where you put itty-bitty bits about your life. 

You can see that I have had happiness if we are friends on Facebook. But, here, in my "safety zone" of "True Moments of Family" I let my hair down and tell the rest of the story. 

I have often talked of PTSD, etc., on Facebook but it is hard to convey the truths and impacts in that cyber-arena. It is much easier here. 

I did not want my FB friends to think "she acts fine on Facebook...what the heck is this all about?" kwim?!

Okay. You get it :)

I'm alive...I promise...the rumors of my bloggin' demise have been greatly exaggerated!

(smile)


I have just had a hard week. SO super tired. 

I could barely get dressed let alone blog anything worthwhile. 


Trust me...You are glad I haven't been here for a few days ;)

I am on a few new medications to help with my anxiety, etc., and my body is still adjusting to them apparently...as I had been feeling much better. Though the doctor did say to expect all this up/down junk - I had hoped to skip it. guess not.

Anyways, I am feeling better and will be back to talk this week.  

Till then...Just picture me like this: (it is SO SO SO accurate...cough cough eyeroll giggle)

Have a great start of the week my kickin' blog friends.....I appreciate you :)


Luvs,
Andrea

I hate "brick walls". I want answers. action. anything!

You guys have ALL been where we are right now.

CONFUSED about a life path. 

A fork in the road. One of those BIG serving forks that have multiple prongs kinda fork in the rock.


As a couple, we have things we "think"/"thought" we are to do...to start...to accomplish.

But, danngit if doors don't keep shutting in our faces. 


It truly makes one wonder if you are "in line" with what God really wants for you or if you are just trying to be a selfish rut and get what you want. 


I do not want to be a selfish rut. (Though I am afraid I am a mite good at it)

*I think I just created a new phrase! "selfish rut".  I know you think I meant to type "selfish runt" but I did not :) Remember, I get a kick outta making up new words for my blog.*


I want to be on the path that is easy to follow. Maybe not "easy" to actually walk down but one who's direction is OBVIOUS. We are not scared of "hard" [ok. I am a little bit. ] but a clear path would be very appreciated right now.

A path that doesn't require Jim and I to be rethinking, rehashing, revamping life "stuff" that we want to accomplish.


If you haven't guessed yet...Yes..this is about the "Motley Crew" and that we think there is another member out there somewhere.

[Mind you: ALL of these processes take FOREVER...as in there would be no new member of the "Motley Crew" for well over a year, probably more. Also, my health is improving each week now (!!!!)...more on that soon...and, yes, we are all doing jumping jacks over this fact! So....it seemed prudent to start the research phase now. No. We are NOT crazy. I swear. SWEAR!}

BUT....our forward movement keeps hitting a....


BRICK WALL. 


Tonight, we attended a very successful, local adoption agency's monthly "Informational Session" to learn about domestic (birthmom/baby/open) adoption.

 We were told, to our faces, "I just do not think it would work out for you." 

[and this is after explaining that our parameters for a baby would be very wide...we are not looking to adopt a healthy, same skin baby! And she still said ... "SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT" growl.]


SLAM MY FACE ON A BRICK WALL.


This very informed adoption agency representative feels that a birthmother would not chose us as we "have already been blessed". Yes, we have been blessed 5 times and each time was miraculous but I didn't expect that to deter a birthmom from selecting us.

But, apparently, it would. The agency representative said in her many years of placing babies, she has only placed a baby in a home with 3 kids 2 times. And we, obviously, have 5. 


Jim had a good point thought: Maybe there are not a lot of looney couples who have 5 and want to adopt a 6th and, as a result, her experience is jaded.


And, you know what I thought the instant she said all that...(and cuz I am a brat?)...."Sign us up NOW then" so that we can prove you wrong. WHAT is wrong with me that I would think that????

I suppose it is my ongoing, slightly obsessive desire to show society that big families, or bigger than average for these days, can still rock it out...that we are not looking to create a kid commune but that parenting is a privilege and the best journey, in my opinion, that a human being can experience. And we just want more of it!

happy sigh.

Anyways.....I am sure that meeting tonight is fueling this post.


However...there is more fuel to these emotions:

A few weeks ago, we got serious about looking into foster care. 

We have always felt this was in our future. Maybe, we thought, it was time.

NOPE! 


It turns out that....

Indiana just passed a law that a fostering family can only have 5 children in the house [does not matter if children are yours or foster child...5 kids in house max. Welp - we are already at the "maximum"... silly us!]. This applies even if you are fostering with the intent to adopt the child!


BRICK WALL.


And, HELLO?  WHAT??!!   There are children wallowing in group homes, etc in Indiana but the Governor decides that some foster families are abusing the system so he limits the number of kids one can foster.


WAIT - I'm sorry..but isn't that the JOB of the Department of Child Welfare, who approves fostering families, to verify their homes are safe and sound for the kids? It seems the hammer came down on the wrong heads if you ask me.

I am confused. Frustrated. Sort of angry. It should not be this difficult.

There are still some additional avenues we will research and international adoption is definitely still an option...but...I just do not know if my heart can take the wait. Maybe it can?


The process of getting approved (blah! yuk! paperwork out the wazoo! We HATE paperwork. Just ask our accountant! Thank God she is a close family friend or she surely would have dropped us like a hot rock by now ;)

BUT...the gut-wrenching time of staring at your child's picture (after you are assigned one) for 8-10 months before you are allowed to go get him/her. Worst thing EVER!

If we had not done it 3 times already...I think I would have more 'gumption' for the process. But...my heart feels a bit wrung out over it all.

And, heck, funding another international adoption is a pretty big deal. (If you read this post and feel led to donate a nice and large and beautiful sum of money to an international adoption...well...just sayin' that we would take you up on that offer and start the adoption paperwork tomorrow;)


I know what most of you are thinking...."If you keep hitting brick walls, that means STOP!".


Eh. I am not convinced. Neither is Jim. At least not yet.

We are not to "scarred" and can run into the dang perverbial wall a bit more.


But who knew that creating the treasured collection that we have now would hinder us in adding to it in the future?

It seems very, very, very backwards to me.


It is backwards because the kiddo that could use a family and the family that desperately wants the kiddo...is on the back-burner somehow. 


The phenomenon feels worse than it did the other times we forged into an adoption. I dunno. Maybe I am jaded? HIGHLY POSSIBLE . ha.


However, IF we can tumble this symbolic BRICK WALL we keep smashing our faces into, I know that 20 years from now we will be so happy we did.  

I'd rather have a "bleeding face" and "brick mortar" all over us while we are watching our Crew thrive years from now.  

As they venture into lives of their own and we reap the massive benefits of having been privileged to parent them and then to watch them soar.

Prayers appreciated...
Andrea

P.S. Later this week I am going to share another member of the "Collections" story....Tye's. It will be intense. You have been duly warned..... ;)