My WORDS are STUCK. Danggit.

I don't know what it is folks.

I have thoughts, moments, funnies, etc to share but my mind is stuck on the words (not in a post traumatic stress kinda way...)....just in in a "super glue stuck...can't get through my head and onto 'paper' stuck")

I could do another video...easy-peasy. But I LOVE writing. It helps me. 

But I feel mentally stuck or in a rut .... See ... :)

Maybe I am still recovering from the holidays?! ha (though I am slightly serious when I say that.)

 

(bbbwwwhahahaha.....um. not me :)

I feel such enormous pressure sometimes.  DO YOU???

I cannot pinpoint where it comes from (uh-oh...I think my words are unsticking...watch out...)

Pressure that I probably bring upon myself. Anybody else do this? Unreasonable pressure. 

Unnecessary pressure. But...I can't shake it sometimes.

Some pressure I bring upon myself is my frustration with "C"hurch.  OR maybe my frustration is spot-on? Who knows?!

[note when using the capital 'C' in 'church' it denotes the use of the idea 'church' as a general WHOLE, mostly U.S,A.-based denominations for me.  It does not mean "my" church or a church. When I do not capitalize the word, it does mean a certain church. 

This is not something I just 'made up'. This is a commonly used practice within the area of Christian apologetics - which is the study of why Christianity is true both scientifically & historically.]

(Wanna a few great starting places for apologetics? here are three suggestions. "How Now Shall We Live" changed my life. I am reading "The Faith" now. Lee Strobel's book is foundational for a true Christian apologetic education. BTW, Strobel has whole series for kids too. Proven helpful for my kids.)

I feel "snarky" (a weird mixture of sarcasm yet maybe some truth) ALOT in regards to "C"hurch....NOT Jesus, not my leaders (please no need to email my pastor and tell him I said this...He knows :), not my own personal walk with God ....

But -for example-

Driving home from church this morning....

I saw one of those (to me) scary "Welcome" signs in front of a church.

You know, the ones that churches who own these signs all seem to use the same 22 horrible phrases over and over again? Yes. That kind of sign. 

Usually, these signs read something like:

The above signs were simply bad grammar or attempts at humor?!

However, the sign we saw this morning read:

"Oh Come All Ye Faithful....AND You." 

Seriously. No Joke. Those words were on the sign. 

I am not going to be a jerk, but I am going to cordially call this church's office tomorrow and simply let them know how that sign impacted ME. 

I cannot speak for others but I can tell them how I felt when I saw it. And I believe in Christ!!! 

What does someone who doesn't consider themselves "faithful" feel when they see such a phrase?? 

Do they feel welcomed or demeaned? 

What do you think?

I feel pressure to 'stand up for unbelievers who are seeking Christ' I guess. It makes me frustrated to see things occur that might, possibly, push them away. 

Things that the "C"hurch has 'done' to strip the 'easy' away from salvation, what It has done to the basic tenants of an easy belief system via public conflicts and fights amongst different denominations, etc. It frustrates me to no end.

I feel  a RIGHTEOUS anger towards all of this. Not a "MEAN" anger. 

New topic....

I also feel pressure to 'blog' lately.  

I don't know where this pressure is coming from. 

I LOVE blogging. But, well... I guess it's just the holidays, ptsd, having my mind sorta feel more confused about some things versus clear...and concerned that the confusion will not come across as I intend for it too...

But feeling "stuck & censored" is SO NOT ME.  At least it is not the "Andrea" that is here and now .....

Alot of you commend me on being transparent, revealing, etc about our adoptions & raising adopted kiddos along with biological kiddos, my mental illness struggles .....PTSD,  related life events, my "C"hurch confusion.....you do this through your comments on my blog, private emails, etc.  Even hand-written letters!

But there are a set of people who definitely do NOT like my transparency . And they let me know it. 

Happily, there is no one holding a gun to their head forcing them to read my blog...as I have gently reminded a few of them...

But maybe their comments have permeated me more than I realized. 

I don't plan on changing...but...I guess I am building up my confidence again in regards to the goal of this blog which is debunking stereotypes I am thrown into by our lifestyle choices...

[homeschooling, entrepreneurship, having a large family and no plans on saying "no" if God wants us to have more...alot of these choices put my family into the "isolationist / legalistically religious / we have uneducated*unsocialized kids / or "we are better parents cuz we have more kids" corner and all of these are BEYOND NOT ACCURATE...]

And, sometimes I wonder if all the fun pictures of my kids mislead you all. (note the lack of fun kid pix in this post ... smile...er not smile...teehee)

But, then I remind myself that I WRITE openly and honestly about the struggle to raise special needs kids, to adopt, to have bio-kids with questions, to homeschool with excellence (super hard BTW), all the ups and downs of my PTSD. 

Heck, there's a video on here of me here DURING an anxiety attack and I am certainly NOT looking my best nor dripping 'happy'....that's for sure.

(here's the video of me mid-anxiety attack..oh so pleasant..hmmm)

I believe alot of this has to do with some holiday sadness that I may still be trying to figure out emotionally...

....and also I have a good friend (cyber-friend but we all know that a cyber-friend IS a true friend) who was diagnosed with 2c Stage Ovarian cancer plus bladder cancer from, literally, out of the blue last week. 

Her kids are close to the age I was was when my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Not only is my heart mad at Evil for cancer entering my friend's life...but my heart truly hurts for the kids because "I was them" 18 years ago.

"Sheesh Andrea..18 yrs. Get over it!"

Well.... If you have lived a cancer diagnosis in a friend, parent, loved one, or even yourself...you'd never say that to someone.

I have a peace about the absence of my Dad now...that happened this past summer...finally.

But, the bad memories of the 2 year journey are not simply erased because I have a peace about my Dad not being "here".

When my friend was diagnosed,  I truly relived every horrid 'cancer journey' moment with my Dad.

The "Oh it wasn't a mid-life crisis [chemical imbalance in brain], turns out it's lung cancer." [after a year long treatment for depression]..... and then...after some treatments... "Oh the cancer is gone'. 

Then, few months later, "oh the cancer is back'. 

Then coming home from college for a weekend to see my Dad sitting at the kitchen table with a shaved head and the chemo-'tatoos' all over his head...without warning. 

Again..."the cancer is under control". And finally, "Well, it is now everywhere. Let's focus on quality versus quantity of life".

I am definitely not projecting that into my friend's path for her cancer was caught fairly early, whereas my Dad's was not.

But...I just KNOW the feelings the family is experiencing and it makes me tied up, knotted, sad, angry. Stuck.

Hm. Well...

My words were unstuck there for a moment....but I feel back to "stuck".

I am finding MUCH happiness in my sweet kiddos/husband (as the last post demonstrated!! very vividly!)...

....and have been sketching/drawing more the last several weeks...surely that is a good sign to finally "unsticking" my words for good and allowing my thoughts to flow more concisely here again very soon....like tomorrow!!! ;0)

See..there I go with the pressure again. 

If I believed in re-incarnation, I am sure I would come back as a 'pressure-cooker' cuz I'm so dang good at putting myself into one... 

What would you be re-incarnated as?  

And if anyone says a 'sweet smelling rose' I'm going to cyber-slap ya...smile  

I KNOW this is not a "Christan-ese" question but it is JUST a question. Nobody pass out or call for an exorcist.

It does not mean you suddenly think Shirley McLaine is onto something or anything.... 

Luvs, Hugs, Blessings....and 2012 I am still planning on kicking your butt! Got plenty of days left for that sucka....

Andrea

P.S. PLEASE continue to think of me, pray for me in regards to attending the "Created for Care" Adoption Momma Conference Jan 25-29th in Atlanta, Georgia.  

It's a roll of dice if I will make even one session (dang ptsd sleep) but I just FEEL that I am supposed to go. I will have a good friend there will me so I won't be fighting alone :)

http://www.createdforcare.org

In review:  Questions I asked you and would love you input on: (I write long post even when my words are stuck! You deserve a review of the questions for sure :)

1. Do you put unnecessary pressure upon yourself? If yes, do you know why? If no, pray tell how you do not.

2. Do you think the church sign saying "Oh Come All Ye Faithful...and You" is demeaning or would you look right past it and not think of it again? Discounting it as just a bad choice.


3. Am I to transparent here? Or does transparency simply scare people and I should continue as always. (that's my theory...could be very wrong though.)


4. FOR discussion and conversation...What would you be reincarnated as?  Remember...do not say a 'sweet smelling rose'!!  Maybe a tornado? A statue? A tiger? A matroyshka doll?  :))