Sure...I got cute Christmas cards sent.
The tree is up. The house looks fairly festive.
Plans are finalized for Christmas.
Treasures (even LIVE treasures) are bought for the Motley Collection that lives under this roof.
(I may have scored the best Christmas gift EVER for my husband...yay!...and, hun, if you are reading this the gift is NOT any type of sporting game tickets. Sorry. But I promise no sporting event will compare. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute I just heard you all say "Oh my heck she's pregnant"...NO....that is NOT Jim's lovely gift...as all the guys think "shew" and all us girls think "durn" :)
But...through all of the planning for this sacred season...not to mention just being a decent Wife/Momma/Friend...
Peeps with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder realize that PTSD could care less what day it is on the calendar.
PTSD sufferes also have days, even in the midst of a sacred time of celebration, that look like this: [this is where the "TRUE MOMENTS of FAMILY" blog title starts living up to it's name ... ;]
Peeps with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder realize that PTSD could care less what day it is on the calendar.
PTSD sufferes also have days, even in the midst of a sacred time of celebration, that look like this: [this is where the "TRUE MOMENTS of FAMILY" blog title starts living up to it's name ... ;]
Sooooo...that's me - TODAY.
Tomorrow? I plan to kick it's butt! However, again, it's hour to hour sometimes.
Tomorrow? I plan to kick it's butt! However, again, it's hour to hour sometimes.
I am REALLY into NOT misleading people...cuz I used too. A lot.
Misleading, not in the sense of lying to people, but more like
"hiding" behind a really pretty life facade that I had fabricated to
keep some of my deep hurts 'at bay'.
However, videos like this, I think, help you all counter-balance the sweet, gooey, fuzzy pictures I post and babble on and on about ;)
There is more to a person than what can be summed up in pictures; however, it is VERY easy to mislead others on blogs, Facebook, etc by only showing 'the pretty".
There is more to a person than what can be summed up in pictures; however, it is VERY easy to mislead others on blogs, Facebook, etc by only showing 'the pretty".
I ain't into that.
I have continued blogging for almost 4 years now to: 1. Keep myself accountable about debunking my idea that I need to be perfect. 2. To encourage others to 'be real'...even if it's scary and you look like a zombie in videos you post on your blog :)
I have continued blogging for almost 4 years now to: 1. Keep myself accountable about debunking my idea that I need to be perfect. 2. To encourage others to 'be real'...even if it's scary and you look like a zombie in videos you post on your blog :)
Being real..on video even.. w/o (much ;) makeup on, showing ya'll my tears and talking about the OTHER side of 'sweet, gooey, and fuzzy' is REALLY good for me.
And, to add to this good...helps you feel like you are not alone if you are on a journey of sorts yourself.
And, to add to this good...helps you feel like you are not alone if you are on a journey of sorts yourself.
I have learned, via this blog mostly, that being the REAL ANDREA is truly okay. I can admit to failure, guilt, anger, frustration. And, gasp, other people understand and do not think less of me. Who knew?!
I do not like looking perfect anymore! What a stinkin' RELIEF!
I would certainly love to hear what types of journeys you all are on....
What are YOU fighting?
Not even a 'sickness' per se ... but maybe you are battling to believe in your confidence, maybe you are forcing yourself out of your 'old comfy spot' into a new endeavor that is really hard for you ......
Not even a 'sickness' per se ... but maybe you are battling to believe in your confidence, maybe you are forcing yourself out of your 'old comfy spot' into a new endeavor that is really hard for you ......
Maybe you, too, are battling the modern-take on education and going against the stream somehow?
Regardless, I would love to hear about it.
See that light orange sentence underneath the end of my post that says "PLEASE leave me a comment. I luv hearing from you!" ? Just click that and start typing (In the white box at top right) about YOUR journey, YOUR fight, the stereotype YOU are debunking..and you can even submit your thoughts anonymously simply by clicking the circle "anonymous" under the box after you have finished your comment/rant/wisdom/journey :)
Let's be in this together, okay?
Much Love...
Andrea
(yes...going back to sleep now...stupid brain)
19 PLEASE give your thoughts! Click to comment!:
I wish I didn't relate to u or this post at all. And u know what I mean by that. I recently was let go of my job and ive been looking at the upside of it. I get to spend more time w/my son n all. But it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. This job has been my cocoon, my shell from the outside world. I feel like I'm being shoved out to the outside world while naked. Ugh I don't even know if I'm conveying how I truly feel. I was up til 3:30am so ridden w/anxiety and then my little one came in bed w/me at 4:30am. No sleep for me. Who knows what tonight holds? I've only stayed up all night from anxiety one other time but I feel it wasn't even as bad as this. How dare this stupid anxiety take a whole day from me. I had to go to my parents house today so they could watch my son while I slept. I'm closer to God than vie ever been in my life but it's hard to even talk to him about this. Talking about it actually makes it worse for me : /. I am glad tho so much that I have someone to relate to.
Kelsey
Kelsey - I had a hard time talking about it(the PTSD, the anxiety) b/c I was sure people would simply say, "Put on your big girl underwears and get a real problem" because there are so many horrible, terminal, and life-threatening than mine.
Like a little angel kiddo battling a disease...why would I ever dare complain or talk about a little 'anxiety'.
However, I came to realize that as much as I learn from others' experiences (for instance I am watching several Momma's handling severe diseases in their kids' bodies. These Mom's have taught me SO much.) that I can use the 'yuk' that's been handed my way to reach out and at least try to debunk some myths about having a mental illness.
Talking about it doesn't always make me feel better...sometimes it is really hard to talk about...but my gut says there is something to forcing myself to talk, seek advice, etc
I didn't start REALLY discussing my PTSD and all it's quirks until several months after I got it. It took awhile for me to feel comfortable with the talking.
I wish, too, that you did not relate Kelsey....
Andrea
Hi Andrea! I'm coming out of hiding to respond to this... our kids go to CTA together. (Tye gave up his seat for me at testing the other night.) My "current" journey is to let go of alot of anger, sadness, and frustration. About 2 years ago I had a pretty easy, ideal life. I had a 9 year old son, was 5 months pregnant - and then out of the blue my 50-year-old healthy, former Marine husband had a massive stroke thats left him disabled. I mourn the life I dreamt about and feel like I was "supposed" to have. My new normal is not what I wanted and its tough to "deal" sometimes. With the schedule of my now-11 year old, a toddler, caregiving for my husband, working fulltime, upkeep on the house... it's taking a toll on me. I'm impatient alot. I stress. I freak out. I've lost a part of myself. I'm truly trying to figure out why this was the path that was chosen for me...
Emily
Emily - My heart breaks. But I am SO glad u 'came out of hiding' as bringing something that feels dark and heavy somehow feels that 'thing' feel lighter.
You are certainly on a journey. I hope there is some way you can tend to YOURSELF in the middle of all this.
I'm not talkin' just a pedicure but more like therapy or a support group for wives in your situation.
I can't even get my head around what a day of your life must look like.
I will be thinking of you..and, if you need anything PLEASE tell us. I imagine a lot of people tell you that but we are so closeby, etc.
It is a true invitation to use us to help you .... it'd be an honor.
Andrea
One thought Kelsey -
there are a lot of fabulous caregivers (child or adult) on sittercity.com
They run background checks, etc.
The gals who have their profiles listed there are often negotiable on their pricing and can do as little or as much as you'd want..
We have to have help b/c of my PTSD. For awhile, Marta (my angel from sittercity.com!) came morning till early evening cuz I was just a wreck.
Now she comes from about 3-6 everyday and does whatever she sees need done...she's even helped me school!
We would have had an exceptionally difficult time without her and a severe loss of income as my husband owns his own business.
Anytime he's taking care of me or kids cuz I can't is money we are not earning...thus having our "angel" come to help.
andrea
UGH! Even saying in this comment section that I/we need 'help' with our daily activies inside our own home makes me feel like SUCH A LOSER!
growl.
I feel blessed to be able to afford her, of course!
But...I WANT to be the one who does what is required in my home.
Yet another lesson in "letting go of some reigns" that I think I needed to learn but I sure did/do like holding those reigns myself.
This reminds me of Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus take the Wheel" because when that song was popular and on the radio a lot...I would also picture myself at least trying to keep on finger on "the wheel" or a foot on the brake.
I guess we never become entirely refined and matured. It's a continual process....yet ANOTHER journey...
andrea
Hi Andrea,
Please know I'm praying for you and especially at this even harder time of Christmas! Also for you that you'll get to that Adoption conference the end of next month.
You are so right that in reality behind all the cyber walls we put up there is the good, the bad and the ugly in every family...not just the 'pretty':)
Hang in there and sending hugs and prayers your way!.
Love Anna xx
PS Do you know that on our radio station all the way over here this morning they told us about a Greenwood Indiana family that open up there home every year at Christmas for people to come and look at their house which is apparently decorated in every room...even the bathrooms! Have you heard of them? Or seen it? When I heard it today driving home I thought of you and your family...even prayed for you my friend!! xx
~ hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs ~
I'm going to keep that January gig in prayer!
a friend from facebook wrote:
:I'm so proud of you!! I wish someone had videoed me having a panic attack. Seriously we must take a stand for mental health. I love that you working so hard t help stamp out stigmas and encourage others to seek help. We don't tell someone with a broken arm to just get better. Nothing is more important than our mental health. You can't see it, but it's real and you can't wish it away. Bravo, Beautiful !"
I could NOT agree more my friend....about talkin' more about it...I'll accept the 'beautiful' b/c u said so ;)
Andrea
First of all, Andrea, I just want to say that you rock! Your willingness to be so open and honest is truly inspiring so THANK YOU! And in response to that I guess I should be open about my journey...
I'm battling perfectionism, the aftermath of an eating disorder, and an addiction that I thought I was "over" but was reminded the other day of what a loser I am because after just one "slip up" that addiction seems to be back as if it had never left. I truly don't understand that.
So I feel pretty crummy and so afraid of being abandoned, alone, rejected. And I feel that I have to keep this all inside bc no one in my life wants to hear about it (esp. for any length of time) or if you do confess they seem to NEVER forget or let you out of that stereotype. So I bottle it up inside until I nearly burst and the only way I've handled it in the past was with some sort of "release" (exercise, not eating, cutting, etc.). Those "releases" are gone now and I've decided to try and just deal with the emotions and thoughts rationally, but sometimes it's too much and at that point I don't know what to do. I'm a Christian and I love the Lord with all my heart and I do pray and reach out to God during these times too, but sometimes I just wish Jesus was truly sitting on my couch and he could actually come over and hold me for awhile if that makes any sense.
Anyway, sorry for ranting. I appreciate your bravery and your diligence in continuing to fight this thing.
I love you and am praying for you! I am in awe of your openness and honesty... THANK YOU!! XO
I'm praying you get to that conference in January. You amaze me and I admire your honesty. You could teach me plenty about being honest about the tough time I'm having at the moment
Kylie
Sweet friend (anonymous) ....
Dang I wish I could give you a hug. I know that was not easy to write but I am PROUD of you for doing it!
All of the things you mentioned..the 'coping mechanisms' a chemically unbalanced brain find to make it feel better (cutting, addictions of so many sorts, even perfectionism ) are oh-so-stereotyped.
It's not okay.
We do not stereotype a person with hihg blood pressure taking meds to help their medical condition.
We do not stereotype a migraine sufferer for taking to bed when the pain is to much...
Why do we stereotype those of us who are dealing with an illness in our brain?
I think the obvious reason is that "it is the brain' so that person must be unstable, a smite unintelligent, etc.
Mercy...so far from the truth. The people I've encountered who are fighting a mental illness are some of the strongest people!
Given our society stereotypes, to seek treatment and then to TALK about a mental sickness (which can manifest itself in so many ways...like you talked about or various others) takes GUTS I tell ya.
I applaud you for tellimg us about your journey.
You are not alone. You kicked the addiction once so you can do it again.
If you wanna talk more feel free to email me at andrea cockrum at yahoo dot com or find me on facebook "Andrea Lowe Cockrum".
Me
Dear sweet friend, thank you for being so open and honest.
I'll admit that I'm fighting a lot. And feeling like giving up right now. I, too, hate that I'm (back) on meds. Growing up in a spiritually abusive home (though I'm sure my mom had no ill intent). Losing a child right after birth, then being investigated by CPS for it even though we had done nothing wrong. A miscarriage. The PTSD symptoms are mostly better, and I can function most of the time. However, lately, a friend is having trouble with her sweet baby girl, and that brings up all those old feelings. I've been burdened for this baby since we found out we were pregnant together. It stinks.
The worst problem is that I struggle so much with trusting God. I feel like my faith is shattered, and I have no clue where to go to get it back. I don't know how to cope with it, spiritually. :(
First, I must say that you amaze me. I *try* to be real...but fear holds me back. I don't want to live a life of fear, but I do nonetheless.
I'd like to just come out with it: my mom is borderline personality disorder and regularly put us in danger growing up. I had some truly horrible experiences that left me with PTSD (diagnosed when my oldest children were just toddlers.) I struggle with anxiety and anger...and simply "inability." I'm supermom...and then I'm not. At all.
I had to stop blogging altogether for awhile because I simply can't reconcile the "loser me" with the "super me."
At any rate, this spoke to me. I'm praying for you, as well as the others dealing with similar problems. I'm praying for myself. Just wishing that I could step into the light and know that I'd still be embraced.
That's all.
Thank you.
Wendy -
(dang I could tell we'd be very good friends..I looked at ur profile and it said "living creatively"...luv it)
I am in the flesh proof that you can step into the light....into being fully honest...into being fully 'failed'...and still be embraced.
It hasn't been "FUN" and I have surely had some very highlighted missteps in handling my PTSD...but..here I am. You can do it do... I swear. I am not any different than any other PTSD sufferer...'cept I like to talk alot and blogging lets me do that..AND...I reached a point where I had to TALK. Just had too.
I am still embraced by our God (who I really think WANTS us to step out and fight and tell others to fight and not to hide and to punch mental sickness in the frackin' face!) ....
and also still embraced by my friends.
I had some friends slowly walk away but I can now 'get that' and understand it. My "real" can be seen as sorta pushy I guess or observed as needy.
Some observe it as a lack of prayer, a deficiency in my relationship with God..etc. (insert huge eyeroll? thank you :)
I have been able to accept their personal preferences (in most cases, some cases do still sting) and not hold bitterness.
(I guess. ha. hm. )
However, WOW am I amazed at the people who have held me, loved me, encouraged me, and NOT judged me since I've taken this "I'M REALLY JUST GUNNA BE ALL OUT HERE WITH THIS PTSD JUNK AND HOW IT AFFECTS ME".
It has surely helped my healing in some sort of way.
Admitting to failing, anger, frustration, confusion, inability (I like the way you put that)...on my blog...has prepared me to talk about such things IRL. Face to Face.
I'm thankful you posted Wendy...Nice to know you...Ur in my prayers too and I'm on FB if you'd like to talk more.
But come back here and talk too! Sometimes I'm also good for a laff or two given that our household is a lot more like a reality show filmed inside a zoo than anything else ;)
Andrea
I truly appreciate your honesty, Andrea, I really do. It is so easy to look at people on FB or blogs & think their lives are perfect....please - I can make my own seem that way :-) My journey is not with PTSD, although I know for sure I am hyper-vigilant & stressed pretty much all the time, as are several of my family members, so maybe it is.
You know how you have a picture in your mind of how your family will be when you grow up? And then something happens to destroy that picture? It really is a grieving process to deal with the loss of that dream. I always pictured myself with the perfect, loving family - I would be the "Kool-Aid Mom" LOL But when one of my kids suffered a traumatic brain injury at birth (& then also another one later on & possibly before he was born, too...sigh)...well, I lost that dream. I went from wanting to be the house that all the kids came to, to being the one who needed my kids to go somewhere else so I could breathe.
Pretty much every single day since he was born has been a struggle for all of us. He has severe behavior issues, lacks the ability to logically connect consequences to actions (yeah...that's fun to try to discipline), and struggles academically. It took years for our doctor to listen to me about his issues. She was always looking at my other kids & telling me I was doing a great job & he was just "active". We started out teaching our kids that "shut up" & "stupid" were bad words & then got to him & just tried to keep him from saying "real" bad words (which we do NOT use here so it's not like a lifestyle he sees modeled to cuss people out).
The hardest thing is that we are ministers who are supposed to be able to help parents with raising their kids (& we did use to speak at churches about it a lot), but we have this one who is completely beyond our control. We have tried everything - medication/no medication, counseling/no counseling, spanking/no spanking, consequences/no consequences..well, you get the picture :-) Nothing has really worked & we are completely exhausted (which doesn't leave a lot for the rest of the kids, either ...and then sets in the "Mommy guilt") The neuropsychologist said he might outgrow his brain differences as he became an adult...and some things are easier, but many are harder as we look at preparing him for life as a productive member of society.
I know he has a great call of God on his life, but in the day-to-day of raising him...well, there have been many days when I just didn't care what he did as long as he would get out of my house so I could have peace again...And how horrible is that???!!! All I ever wanted to do was become a mother & I never looked at my kids & thought "I can't wait till you grow up & get out of here" like I've heard many parents say...but with him, I did...that thought was all that got me through some days when he spent hours raging.
So, there is the reality ... I had a dream of the perfect family & in an instant, it was stolen from me & I still grieve it years later. I don't know what I would do without being able to rely on God...without Him, I would have no hope at all...so I keep walking this road & trusting that the prayer, the work, the research...all of it will pay off & one day I'll be able to say, "Look at my son; the devil tried to kill him, then raising him almost killed us...but now - he has turned the world upside down for Jesus"...
(I will tell you who I am on FB, but didn't want to post my name here to protect him)
To the Anonymous Comment right above my reply...
I understand the impact a kiddo with extraordinary needs has on a Mom...and the ENTIRE family.
My extraordinary-needs kiddo is Tye.
And, I can relate to the sentiments you expressed in your very honest post.
I believe our two kids have very different needs but, regardless, the sheer fact of raising such a child...well..
It is difficult beyond measure some days for me too.
Tye's needs feed my PTSD. When he doesn't make progress I am CERTAIN is b/c I am no longer 'super mom' (never was but was a fabulous pretender). That his continued cognitive issues are MY fault b/c I do not have the energy, patience, or an extra stash of "amazing momma' to pull from.
A rational brain would see the improvements. My brain sees time lost with him b/c of ME and MY problems.
The traffic incident that occurred 3 yrs ago was the last load of "trauma" my brain could hold.
It is what made the PTSD pre..but, looking back, I had horrid coping skills with other major losses in my life
The scale was finally tipped via the Chicago incident.
But, raising a special-needs kid is SO MUCH like having a repeated loss over and over and over and over again.
The loss is in your face daily.
Maybe your scales are 'tipping' too ... but it seems like a slower build up to the 'tip' than what finally presented severe PTSD symptoms to me.
BTW, to all of us who are on a difficult journey of sorts...though you all probably know this...but PLEASE BEWARE of acquiring some sort of 'coping skill' that makes you 'think' your brain feels more stable.
(another anonymous comment was made here about such struggles with some chosen coping mechanisms)
Coping mechanisms, the negative ones, are a bandaid and only enhance what is under it because the 'what is under it' gets covered up. It's left to swell, get 'infected', and ignored.
You 'think' you are better b/c you 'feel' better.
(excessive use of substances or behaviors like alcohol, food, smoking, working, drugs, prescription meds, illicit materials, isolation, demanding perfectionism, over-exercising, sheesh there are SO many..and some have NO negative stereotype (IE demanding an ultra-clean house to feel that you have control of your life)... etc)
But you are DEFINITELY NOT making your brain/journey/path better....it's actually making it all worse.
Yeah...ask me how I know all about this. (huge sigh).
I latched onto a 'coping skill' thinking, as a result, that I was 'all better' cuz I'd found something that made me feel 'stable' again (alcohol).
Dang was I SO WRONG. It only made things worse over time...as most negative coping skills do.
The root problem is never addressed so the root issue gets worse thus you need more of your 'coping mechanism' to continue to 'feel better'. BTDT.
Not a proud season in my life but one I have learned an immense amount from.
Honestly, as much as people 'discount' a mental illnesses...the stress/difficulties/strain/confusion/sadness of raising a special-needs child is often over-looked b/c the public assumes that 'hey, it is your kid, you have love, you'll do fine'...
When, in reality, the parenting of such a child is beyond-words difficult at times. Just as your talked about.
So many assumptions are made by people who have not experienced some of these things.
Watching this 'judgement' unfold in my life has made me a better person. I know longer discount how hard a person's journey is even if, from the outside, they seem to have it all together, kwim?
I SO APPRECIATE your comment, honesty, transparency...you are on such a difficult journey...and though your journey is paved with love - the speed bumps, pot holes, and detours must surely happen quite often leaving you shaken, scared, and exhausted.
You are on my heart,
Andrea
Just wanna say I love you. I love your smile, your eyes, your voice, your heart, your genuineness. I love your vulnerability and your tenderness. I have no idea why God hasn't stopped all this for you, but I do know that the depth to which it has touched you is and will be the depth to which you touch others because of your journey. You are one special, special girl. There will be a day with no more tears and no more pain. I agree with Jim...you will reap a return for all this in Jesus name! Wish I could hug you.
Post a Comment