Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is kickin' my butt folks.

It was an amazing weekend a few days ago...

But one day -amazing, so fun, great memories with one of my besties,  her daughter, myself, & Aven day- has sorta landed me on my back for the last three days or so. Not 'physical' pain...but mental exhaustion, fatigue, fogginess, etc. to the point of not being able to accomplish much of anything.

I'm functioning, at about 50%.....I want to 'talk' to you all here .... be funny, share a story, tell you of some of the questions rolling around in my head...you know...just like always.

But..(okay...crying)....I can't.  My brain is too tired. 

The last several days, getting dressed and talking to my kids has been a victory. 

Needless to say...I would appreciate your prayers. But, then again, I feel like people in REAL need.. the terminally ill, poverty-stricken, people living in war zones, the hundreds of thousands of orphans...THEY need prayer.


I need to just be stronger. I wish it were that easy.  But I do feel odd for asking for prayer when there are SO many others in SUCH worse (beyond describable worse) situations than mine.


But..this is my life and it's is NOT all it could be because of PTSD. So...I guess...I'm back to asking of prayer?

I am TRULY sick (ha, pun?) of all of "this"....the fatigue, the lack of focus, the insomnia, the headaches, the hyper-vigilance (try having an anxiety attack in the car - like one where you scream several times quite loud cuz you are SURE the train you see out the left window is coming straight at you [but it's so not]- when all 5 of your kids see and hear you while your husband tries to calm you down...not fun..over it), the "oh this is going to be a good day" then CRASH - I'm suddenly so tired and foggy I have to lay down and close my eyes- for HOURS.

I missed the majority of Trey's family birthday party (last Wednesday night..I mentioned in the pictures in last post that I was not feeling well...not much has changed except I had a great day Friday) due to all this stupidness.

Growl.

I want to throw something heavy and breakable ... would that make me feel better?! I've never tried it....

I have some oh-so-fun pictures to share of last weekend...ya know the ONE day of THREE our family and our close friends were in Chicago to celebrate little kid birthdays...but I took enough pix in one day to capture the weekend I think :)

It did not help that our hotel, in Chicago (where the idiotic incident with the semi-truck happened) was right next to the hospital one of my best friends was taken for treatment after the stupid truck hurt us...sirens 24/7 outside our window. gag.

My therapist and Alternative M.D. are starting to look into other "things" that may be at play inside my head...cuz..really..after ALL the therapy, medications, minerals, vitamins, etc...I should be feeling better than this...

I should be having more good days than bad. Some weeks I do but it's definitely not a consistent thing.


Deep, acute trauma (like I experienced) can cause additional disorders, other that PTSD .... and we may have the PTSD 'under control' but it doesn't FEEL like it because, maybe, there's more to treat other than PTSD.

sigh. and this ends, when?


I am SURE of one thing...always have been:

God has my back. NONE of this makes me want to run away from Him...but TO HIM. 


He did not want an errant semi-truck to cause catastrophic damage to many lives on April 25, 2008 just as He did not want airplanes to crash into the Twin Towers, a field in Pennsylvania, or the Pentagon on Sept, 11, 2011 

(NOT comparing my struggles with those who still deal with aftermath of 9-11-11.... just talking about how there's Evil in the world and we must live within an environment where good and evil are constantly fighting)

Nope. God is sad on my sad days too....


He wants to love, provide, heal, protect, and reassure...but, again, we all function in a world full of Evil that has a force and a power that wrecks havoc everyday in so many ways.

However....I am going to go to bed and think of how far I've come in last two..three...years, the highs, the successes, the victories...


And I'm going to meditate on the fact that we are not in this fight alone.

I am VERY Thankful for so many things that I could never even come CLOSE to writing them all down...

But right NOW...and the last few days...well...they've been disgusting.

Andrea

PS I've discovered a new song that really rings true with me and this ongoing fight my family is fighting against PTSD...maybe some of these words will be a balm to your heart like they have been to me recently:

Pain is a forest we all get lost in
Between the branches hope can be so hard to see
And in the darkness we've all got questions
We're all just trying to make sense out of suffering but

You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me
Help me believe it

Fear is a current we all get caught in
And in its motion faith can be so hard to find
And we all falter 'cause we're all broken
We're all just trying to turn the shadows into light but

You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me
And you say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, You'll carry me

And I know Your promises are faithful
And God, I've seen Your goodness in my life
And oh, I've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

You say I am blessed because of this
You get glory in the midst of this
And You're walking with me

And You say I am blessed because of this
So, I choose to believe
As I carry this cross, as I carry this cross
'Cause as I carry this cross, You'll carry me

You'll carry me, God
You'll carry me
And Your love is an ocean wide

Credits :
songwriters: assad, audrey; larue, phillip
© deeper still music publishing;my maxx songs;river oaks music company;songs of razor and tie