Part of me was hoping my computer charger would not work b/c I may regret this post....(sorta.kinda.maybe.not)

My brain is full.


Full to the tipping point....and...well...when this happens the overflowing thoughts land HERE.


I do not want to write a grammatically correct (hm. do I ever?) post that flows, or has purposed humor.


Tonight....all I want to do is to tell you what went through MY mind today. JUST today.


It's going to be a "stream of conscious" type 'brain purge' - otherwise my insomnia will flare I am afraid because my brain is spinning like a hamster in a greased wheel.


Are you ready?


We'll start at 6:30am THIS morning...when I was still awake. From a miserable night of insomnia (I promise this will not be all blah-yuk-woe-is-andrea....promise ;)

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"Seriously Andrea you need to just close your eyes and sleep will come." (after reading "Van Gogh: The Life" for 3 or more hours).


"Andrea. You are doing this to yourself. Close your eyes."


(at some point I fell asleep but only after leaving a note on Jim's desk chair that I had terrible insomnia but I did NOT want to sleep the day away and to GET my butt out of bed at 11am. Please don't roll your eyes. We've adapted my PTSD-schedule to our family's life...and..actually...we are all night owls and late risers anyways...)

4-5 hours later....


"What? Jim...no way is it 11am! You are totally lying. Come back in an hour please. I'm numb."


Internally thinking (and never returning to sleep):


*Andrea, everyone in the world is tired. Get up.
*Andrea, you love Mondays. Aven has dance. You are taking Zane to get fish. Zane has drums. You have new boots to wear! GET UP.
*Andrea, you are so lazy. Kick this now.
*Andrea, you are going on a long-weekend to Chicago this weekend with family friends to celebrate more birthdays. What are you going to do then...when 12 people want to go somewhere and you are laying in bed? 


[12:00-12:30....My more-than-understanding-husband brings me tea. I have given up coffee in the mornings (really? how much more do I have to give up? Coffee in the morning WAS the highlight of my day. Don't tell me I won't do anything to kick this stupid PTSD. I am walking my talk peeps.)


*sipping hot tea, thinking, how blessed am I that I can have insomnia and sleep in...kids are already being schooling a bit, husband is beyond understanding, but what if I have insomnia again tonight? little scared about that.


*second glass of hot tea. Brain de-fuzzing...slightly...


*wow, we are having a really fun conversation all cuddled up on my bed...Jim, Trey, and Zane...I am telling them about a romantic part of a movie I watched last night. I don't ever remember cuddling in bed with my parents. This is awesome. 


*My new second favorite movie ever I (though this means little cuz movies are not a passion of mine but still...) "Anna Karenina" by Tolstoy. Which made me think of my all-time favorite movie, "Red October".


*I wonder if Dorothy has had her puppies?  (I check her whelping box in our master bathroom. No puppies. dang.)


*I wonder if my lovebirds have hatched any of the 5 (I think dormant meaning dead) eggs? Nope. dang.


*Oh sweet mercy... Chase is so neat. I love it when he gets excited about some quirky fact and he hunts me down to tell me about it. Did you know the capital of Mexico City is built on top of the main Aztec civilization and the largest church in Mexico City is built on top of the last king's tomb? heart homeschooling.


*At 2:00pm Tye tells me "Morning Mom."  I suck.

*I hope Nala (our 2 yr old 7 lbs dog) lives through the shower Tye is giving her. I wonder if he's using soap? 


*(while dressing to take Aven to dance class & Zane to pet store and drum lessons) I decide I want to look like a hippie today. I'm wearing a head scarf, shorts, funky cardigan over almost vintage shirt and my new sorta-hippie boots. I am a cool hippie. I am a cool hippie. (fashionably speaking of course...to others...I surely looked a hot mess but I was pleased with my outfit creation)


*I wish my family could see Aven in dance class.  She could have brought alot of joy to people who we do not see that often anymore. My Mom would be mesmerized by Aven. I wish I knew or remembered more about my childhood. Why are my memories so few of this young season in my life? I do not remember if I was happy or sad until about 5th grade...then I have memories again.


*(dressing Aven for dance) I LOVE having a daughter. Oh I'd love 3 more daughters. I wonder if we'll be allowed to adopt again now that I have all this "PTSD" history in my medical file.


*she she wear pink leg warmers or tights? 


*(Aven, Zane, Myself, and Jim in car for few hours of running around..first stop: pet store. We truly need more fish. Even Jim agrees ! Older boys are doing school, Tye is working on Legos while Miss Marta holds down the fort. 

*I wonder if Chase & Trey hate school and are pretending to tolerate it? I wonder if we are ruining them by leading lives as they continue to school?

*In pet store, (just myself and Zane while Aven & Daddy wait in car) Well he may not be the most fluent 2nd grade reader but he knows more about fish that the typical 8 yr old! I really need to work on his reading more. Homeschooling is hard. Maybe Zane needs to go to a 'building' for school?


*Manager of Pet Store asks me, why Zane is checking a price of an item for her at checkout, "He is so helpful. He is always like that?". I respond, "Well, yep. Pretty much. He was born with a beautiful heart."  She replied, "We are always glad when he comes in because we always learn something about out fish!"   Okay...reading is over-rated, homeschool rocks.


*(back in car, on way to dance class) What if, at the next intersection we get side-swiped by a speeding car? What if another vehicle "hits" me. I wonder if I would lose consciousness this time. I would prefer that so I don't have more memories of fear...as long as the rest of my family was safe.


*my hair looks stupid. I don't look like a hippie...I look like Bozo the Clown. Maybe I should sit on the sidewalk in downtown Greenwood with a hat asking for a coin to revise this outfit?


*(Aven being unruly in KBMV (kick-butt-momma-van) We let her get away with murder! Chase would have been quarantined for a year for similar behavior. Are we to lax with her? I wonder if she respects us? 


*I hope Zane's fish make it home alive.


*ouch...a pain in my side, and my throat is kind scratchy. I wonder if I have cancer. I bet I do. Glad I have the blog so kids will be able to read about my love for  them when I am gone. I wonder what the first signs of heart disease are? Could this be that?


*(at dance lessons now) sheesh I love my new Momma-friend's kickin' biege cowgirl boots. I wonder if mine look as cool as hers?  I offered to buy them from her if she ever wants to part with them :) 


*Aven takes my breath away. Oh my heart...she just looked at me a smile with a "thumbs up" after she did her "position" correctly. I wonder if she cares she's the only brown-skinned girl in class?  I hope she sticks with dance because I think it is really fun. She hasn't said anything yet. I need to bring that up with her.

*Andrea, your husband is amazing for getting as giddy as you while we are watching Aven in dance class. I am blessed by him.

*Good job Aven...telling everyone "hello" & "goodbye". I wish I looked like her ballet teacher. This girl, probably very ear 20's, is stunning.


*(back in car, after dance...Jim is headed to home to drop Aven and I off cuz I'm tired...can't make it to Zane's drum lessons...I can't watch or hear them anyways so not a huge deal) Oh crud! That car is coming RIGHT at us! (not in reality...but it seems to be to my PTSD brain).  How are people so calm in cars?  Each one that passes feels like we dodged a bullet. Like "Russian Roulette" .  


*"Home"...this house is finally, at times, beginning to feel like the "hug" I want my home to feel like when we walk through the front door. Sheesh Andrea...Clara and her family (friend we know in Guatemala and whose house we were invited to dinner to once)  live in 3 lean-toos up an incredibly steep staircase on the side of a mountain in Guatemala. I am overly materialistic. 


* How can a house ever being truly clean and organized? Do I really care? I have been taught to care..and I like a clean house...but I should be having some face-to-face time with the other kids .... making memories via playing board (read: bored :) games. I hate the vortex of Facebook. It draws me in.


* I wonder if my kids think the laptop on my computer is more important to them? Need to address that.


*I am not being a good parent today...I am letting Aven watch entirely to much TV while I veg reading and surfing the net. 


*Oh my heck .... Zane is adorable getting his new fish settled in. He is so special.


*Come home to two tests from our new curriculum ready for me to grade! You go boyzzz!


*I haven't eaten today. No appetite. I will force some of Jim's incredibly delicious roast .


*Why are there popcorn kernels EVERYWHERE I look? I'm considering a ban on popcorn. ALL over family room AND my bedroom???


*Andrea, you have 3 good days! More energy, more of simply just "being present" when entire family is together. I never want this moment to end.


*I hear thunderstorms coming. Oh No! My "twins" are home from Tae Kwon Do and Aven is safe in her room [waching a movie on the laptop...see above for that train of thought) (I swear Jim drives to TKD  14x/week) but Jim and big kids are at the studio. What if it gets bad? Jim calls, asks if we have power, I say "yes", he says I think it'll be over soon. I'm headed home.


*It would be so glamorous  to dress like the movie character, "Anna Karenina", instead of dressing and sleeping in mundane clothing. 


*I love that Aven dances ["freestyle"] when music comes on at home. She is my perfect match...along with the other 6 puzzle pieces I have that fit together in a divinine collision of 'amazing'.


*I PRAY my first Guatemalan daughter, "Story Noelle", is safe & loved by her Guatemalan adoptive parents.

*Lord, please protect Glendie (Guatemalan orphan, around age 10 now) and "G" (a South African orphan who arrived at an orphanage there. "G" was excessively abused but someone came and got him). Why can't adoption be easier?


*Andrea! You've have THREE good days in a row. You can do this.


*Hear plane coming towards my bedroom (more accurately: my irrational and a bit unhealthy brain hears it)..."JIM!" I check myself...am I ready to die right now when that plane hits the house? Yes...but please make it instant Jesus. No more pain. (Plane flew OVER us....btw)


*I would love to attend a Chrisitan Orthodox church more often. It appeals to me in so ways. Andrea, think about finding one in Chicago this weekend.


*I have friends in abundance...how did that happen? I am so thankful for them.


*decaf coffee is pointless and stupid.


*Andrea, you are getting that "a leaf blowing in the wind" feeling. Here come the tears.  I wonder what is making me cry?


*Why do theologically sound Christ-Followers that have the title "Pastor" before their name, tear other Pastors apart? (Mark Driscoll from Mars Hill church virtually attacked Joel Osteen's approach and this rebuke has been widely documented now. (it is on youtube)


*That is the grossest think EVER! How did Zane's eye-lash crested gecko poop on me? nasty.


*I hope the new vitamins/minerals I got Chase (brand: metagenics) and Tye to help their precious brains get better.  We WILL win this special needs war.


*Art is so beautiful...from a single blade of grass to the sunset to a master's painting.I am reading and learning so much about Van Gogh in my new book that is chronically his life. Why do I relate to him? Cuz he is a seeker? Cuz he is an artist? Cuz he had mental instability at times? Andrea, maybe you shouldn't relate to him so much. ;P


*The mere voice of one of my children brings a warmth to my heart that nothing else in the world can.


*Seriously Aven? bath salts ALL over my bed? Why? I beg of you...WHY?


*Hearing Tye pic away at the piano now that he's taking lessons. This gives my heart wings and I soar when I hear him ''trying".


*Andrea, girl, you are rockin' it out today for having so little sleep!


*oh how I hope Trey's birthday gifts arrive by Wednesday....


*I hate dog poop.

*I wonder if Aven put bright red nailpolish on three of her nakid 'barbies' cus she was embarrassed that they were "nakid" or just child-like behavior? WHERE is the handbook for kids?


*I wonder if God will lead us to adopt again. I certainly hope so...unless He has other plans. But I'd also LOVE to feel a babykins kick from within ONE more time. 


*Anna Karenina was an amazing movie! I must own the book.


*I like feeling 'smart' by watching remakes of classic literature...but is that a cop-out? Shouldn't I just read the book? BUT...when? I have 5 books waiting on me now. No need to add a 6th at this point.


*It blows me over that Chase TEACHES a few classes at Tae Kwon do. 6 years ago, I would have LOL'd if you'd told me this would happen. Thank you Jesus for the child fighting to conquer his struggles...struggles put upon him. He had no choice to get or not to get Fetal Alcohol Effect.


*I miss Guatemala.


* Andrea, get off your tush now and straighten up the bathroom.


*Trey's birthday is Wednesday. He needs to feel special that day.


*I miss my Dad. and others. Life is confusing and hard.


*Andrea, don't squeal so loud when Tye says a word correctly! He will stop talking again b/c he'll want avoid me and my squeal. (He said 'piano' perfectly today)

*Marta, our "everything" woman, is awesome. Andrea, you need to spoil her more. She mothers you and loves you. 


*Please God...give me good days until Sunday so we can enjoy "family time" in Chicago. 

*Please Lord...do not let any of us into a catastrophic accident while we are in Chicago this weekend. 


*I want 'off' of "Unisom" sleep gels. But that backfired last night. Back to my 3/night to get me to sleep. All of those chemicals sitting in my stomach are going to cause me health problems....surely.


*5 good-night 'hugs' and "love ya Mom/Momma" is more than I could ever ever ever have dreamed of. 
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Sadly....that is just a 'bit' of what my brain spirals through in a typical day.

Everyone...er..at least..some others of you think this way, right? Please tell me you do! 

I definitely have an internal struggle to feel confident in my 'happiness' due to traumas in our lives over the last 10 years. 


But I don't think THOSE are the reasons I have this "back-n-forth" thinking. I feel like alot of it is being female, being a Momma, and a human in a society that expects alot.


Regardless, anybody know of a secret "OFF" switch I can punch to make the spiraling stop?!!! ;)


Can anyone else relate to any of these sentiments? I REALLY hope someone else can! 


(If ya'll don't comment .... I'm seriously going to wonder about my brain ... even more than I already do :)

ANDREA 

(a few pix from Chase & Trey's combined birthday party last weekend....SO happy we were able to pull this off! Kids had a blast...  :)