Where am I getting my APPROVAL from? HM.

Hey My Beloved Readers ~


Some things have been rolling around in my head this week and they JUST gelled in the last 2 seconds so I've grabbed my computer and....phew....here I am to talk about it.


How do I know I am "approved" or Where am I seeking such? 


How do I maintain or gain confidence?  Where are my kids getting their Approval? (yikes)


This has been rolling around in my head for several reasons.


First...being chronically ill - a girl can kinda start to get down on herself and wonder about what others think. 


Second...fighting guilt, and oftentimes winning lately, still makes me want to fill this vacuum it left with new, strong, concrete Approval that cannot be shaken as easily as it was before I became this stronger (even though I am sick?!) person.


Third - I am an exceptionally visual person. Do I gain my own, internal approval easier when I "look" better versus than when I am not all-together after a few days?


Fourth - I know that Jim and I are pouring verbal, written, and physical Approval into our kids but I have also heard some 'yuk' come out of a mouth or two lately, criticizing a physical characteristic they do not like. I know that's normal...but I don't want it to snowball. 

So interesting.... #'s 1-4 all feed into each other. Helping #1 will trickle down into helping the others. Hm.


I understand that and have heard 14, 984 times that...."my Approval comes from the Lord ...the Maker of Heaven and Earth".....


But as much as any other promise or or gift of love that Bible gives me...the World wants to take it away. And the world is really good at it.


If I close my eyes and start whispering to my God....gently asking if I am "doing okay?" ... just a passing prayer whispered at various moments daily or every other day or whenever.


In my soul, I feel peace. So....I do not think this is a Heaven/Hell issue...phew for me, eh?! :)


But, at the same time, I know that I could be using my time better sometimes rather than seeking approval on Facebook, or the mirror, or my closet, or purchases that I think will improve "this" even though "this" is okay though my World-Warped brain doesn't see it as 'okay'.


I think this is a new conversation I will start purposefully having with my kids. 


Several are getting old enough now to start seeking approval from all sorts of sources...which is great. They must branch out (danggitt!).  

However, as much as Jim and I control the sources,  there is simply an environmental tenacity to compare yourself to others.


I understand my kids comparing themselves to others and seeing things they might want to work on...that's fantastic. 

But I also want them to have a firm foundation of Approval from us and God that they can trust their instincts to know when they need to work on something and when they do not.


I want to teach them, and re-learn myself, how to know when I am seeking Approval for the wrong reasons (as in not trusting how God creating me) and comparing they/myself are comparing ourselves to others inappropriately.

How does one teach another to embrace their individual "Approval"? 

I suppose by verbal affirmation in private and public, written notes, watching what one's eyes are taking in that may make one feel degraded, by focusing on a prayer life that lifts one up to the point of a level of Approval that it takes a LOT for the World to touch it....


Yet, at the same time....I wanna have fun too!?!


Enjoying fun pictures, fun clothes, sharing our lives online (but not with the intention of a "look at us" flavor....blah...dang I hope that never happens...).


Enjoying online social networking but without making it pull them or me down  in regards to how one feels about oneself. 

(our kids do not have a Facebook accounts and will not anytime soon. But they do "game" with friends online -who we have approved but may not know iRL...at least that's how it's supposed to go...Chase just got busted for that one the other night..ouch...breaking rules stinks when you are 15!) 


Regardless, they do have cyber-friendships that they enjoy, comparing video-game based creations, different levels of achievement, etc. They enjoy it. 

So far, I don't see it pulling them down but this post has me thinking more about it.


There's a difference between being 'pulled down' for no good reason versus being challenged to improve yourself because you have noticed something that makes you want to be better.


You know, oftentimes, I will share pictures of us here on my blog. 


Some pictures are normal, everyday, pictures...some are fancier or from a photo shoot a friend did for us...etc.


I THINK where my fuses are blanking out in this whole area of "Approval" (and how my fuses are affecting my kids...maybe) is that I truly enjoy a great picture.


Sharing a bunch of pictures somewhere (here, Facebook) then makes me want to go back and see who looked at them and did they like them too.


I REALLY thinking hard this moment..."Do I go see who liked the picture because I want the attention and for them to think my family is cute/my picture was cute?"  OR  "Do I want to see who else like how the picture looked, the subject of the picture, the emotion of the picture?"


I *truly* feel it is the latter (phew) but...I think I also have to watch and audit myself and -as a result- be able to speak into my kids' lives better about the journey of where I seek 'Approval'.....


Because there are ALOT of dangerous places kids can seek Approval if they do not feel they have what they need already.....Heck...We see that play out in adult lives oftentimes. 

The more I think about it the more I think every adult has sought Approval in the wrong place, to one extreme or another.  I suppose the healthier we get in where we seek our Approval, the healthier our kids will get.


Ha.


And all that gelled because I was wondering if I was posting to many pictures on Facebook .... did I want attention or did I just want to share and enjoy?!


I guess whatever it takes to get my words to come together finally....because...WOW...I feel better :)


Do you all have ideas on how to teach or impart the ability to seek the correct Approval and maintain it?


AND...Do I post a picture or not :))  


bbwwhahahahha
Andrea


PS And, yes, I do because -at this point- for me posting pictures is still a simple thing of sharing and enjoying the picture together.  

It is not seeking Approval....it is enjoying one of the perks of living in the blog-o-sphere. 

HOWEVER...if I start posting pictures for your Approval...I am sure you all will live quite well without seeing my mug for a few weeks/months till I learn my lesson! 

(though I'd still write ...because this is just out-the-door healing!)

 'xcuse me...there should be five LITTLE kids in this picture....wha???

My "First Daughter of my Heart" (whom I talk about all the time here..) is getting married...happy sigh.

We had her bachelorette party this weekend. It was glorious. Such fun on so many special levels. From just "fun" to how I feel about her and her beautiful happiness....

This picture was her "pretending" to get away from all of us, her bridesmaids, so she wouldn't have to do the embarrassing gigs that come with such a party. (She didn't get away ;)

Fun and Frivalous Fakey Eyelashes for Laura's Bachelorette Party...When else can I wear such crazines???

(Yes...I am cough-cough by far the elder of the Bridesmaids ...I told them numbers do not mean much if you DO NOT TALK ABOUT THEM ;)

Let's lighten up .... Wanna see my newly reorganized and designed Studio? huh? huh? do ya??! ok !

The TERRIFYING "before" pictures.

My in-home Studio space had become a bit of a dumping grounds. Jim took care of those items...

And this what what was left. Oh.Vey.

For me and my PTSD brain...this might as well have been Mt. Everest and I was a Base Camp I without  socks or boots! 

SOOOOO.....

Enter stage right! 

 Becky, a professional organizer ( "Time 2 Declutter" if you are local) that I clicked with instantly....and THIS is what happened!

ARE YOU BACK UP ON YOUR CHAIR?!  smile

I was going for a "Bohemian Theme"...I think I accomplished it. 

I am QUITE happy.

Becky was here for 3 sessions (there are A LOT of little things to organize when it comes to Art....sheesh!). Only ONE session did my brain shut-down and I had to wave the white flag and give in to PTSD. 

The other times...I made it for up to EIGHT hours at a time.

Many of you are thinking, "Yeah. And?".

PTSD-sufferers have a hard time with focus. (Wait...what was I talking about? bwah.)

So.

To  be surrounded by chaos (because it surely did not look like this during those 3 sessions), seeing items that brought painful memories back, having Becky see all my "mess", all my "bad art", all my "It might be good if I keep working on it Art"...well...8 hours is a HUGE deal.

I.WAS.PROUD.OF.MYSELF. (do I hear clapping? oh. no. that was Aven throwing shoes into her closet...anyways...)

 

Becky turned out not to be 'just' a Professional Organizer that I was paying by the hour...and as a result wanting her to hurry her little butt up and organize!

No. I wanted her to stay as long as possible!

She, due to God's divine appointments and timing, was able to relate to and help me in ways that far exceeded what an Organizer would typically do.

She spoke words of encouragement into my life that I will not forget and that I now repeat to myself often.  Especially when I am driving :)

She (well, we but really she) got the space spic and span....and then we launched all of my "Bohemian" ideas, goodies, and decor into it. 

Fun stuff.  Rewarding. "Andrea" was there. (and here.)

On the wire hangs notes written to me by my (passed) Papaw,(passed) Mawmaw, (passed)Great-Grandfather, my Mamaw, my childhood friends (Melissa :), my sister, etc that were encouraging me when I started college. 

I did not know I had them until a few months ago. What treasures.

More importantly, I found a few words of my Dad's writing on a few small things. (He was not a writer...it's funny thinking of him sitting down to write something actually :)  

Those are all up there to remind me of good moments. 

There are also unfinished pieces of work.

Pictures of my kids' artwork.

Tons of happiness.

Here is a new and fantastic way to repurpose an old suitcase, yes??!!!!

Before you ask....

The left is an up-close-and-personal picture of my painting apron.

And, yes, the picture on the right has a large, gold, gilded frame attached to a corkboard. When I asked Jim to hang it there, he looked at me REALLY weird..and it takes A LOT for him to look at me like that we we are decorating or being artsy.

Something fabulous will be pinned into it...but I haven't a clue what that might be yet. Which I love.

How bout these bohemian cupcake cabinets??? smile

I just went at 'em until I thought they looked wrecked up enough. 

Little trinkets...little memories....

To me it makes the space feel like a hug.

Actually, I have little memory-reminders all over our home. It is fun to smile about a funny moment when you walk past a quickly taken photo in which you're child's rapturous smile was captured forever...

Or for the kids to look at an item from somewhere we've visited and then start a conversation about that a moment from there, a memory, to describe the fondness of the place. 

I think that's the difference between a house and a home. 

You put your 'life' out in a home. 

A house had no 'life' living in it.

JOY! LUV!JOY!HAPPY!

UMBRELLA! CEILING! FAVORITE PAINTING POSTERS! CEILING!

UMBRELLA! CEILING!  smile....

Maybe I should start wearing flowing dresses, no shoes, and giving everyone the 'peace' symbol cuz I am "SOOOO" 'bohemian'. 

Though..I'm guessing my idea of "bohemian' is not the true definition.

My idea of it is that : Anything goes, it all matches, if you love it put it in there. 

So maybe I can nix the flowing dresses because I always trip in dresses like that.

Can you have an Art Space without a quirky piece of furniture grabbed from "Goodwill"? 

Absolutely NOT! Not if you are TRUE artist. 

(I wonder what Kandinsky, Picasso, Bruegal, or Van Gogh got from "Goodwill"??? ;)

The crazy, great, green chair is my "Okay it's Officially an Art Studio" quirky piece from "Goodwill". 

And I love her.

(you are going to laugh.)

Okay. I have four, huge inspiration (cork) boards. On these or around these I slapped the stuff that inspires me, makes me feel happy, warm, loved, encouraged, motivated.

WELLL.....

The picture on the far left?

That is my "MENTAL ATTITUDE AWARD" when I played on the 8th grade girl's basketball team. (you are laughing. I knew it.)

See.  I was "okay" at bball .... I didn't score a bunch (um 1 point in 2 years..it was a free throw...I screamed so happily I got taken out of game ... true story) but I did play and all.

However...I, apparently, had a very good MENTAL attitude as I was awarded this at the year-end banquet. It makes me proud of myself in some very, very, very odd way. But I don't care. I love it. 

Picture on right....is TYE's drawing of our ENTIRE family. YEP. TYE :)

More "inspiration" that needs explaining.

This is on my board because this was the first house Jim and I purchased. We were going to have 2 killer incomes and be "DINKS" (double-income-no-kids) for a long time.

HA!

Withing 3 years, the upper-middle window was a nursery :)

However, we were so happy with ourselves.  I had just graduated college. Had a job. Jim had a new job in Indy....we were headed in to easy street.

bbwwwhahaha....and then the 5 kids cam rolling in .... God's sense of humor is completely awesome.

I look at this picture to remember the happiness but also to remember that we are not in control.

YEP! On the other side of the curtain is......OZ!! Er....TYE :)

This is a long, rectangular room in our lower level.  If you've been hanging out here awhile, this is what 'used' to be the school room (which we've now condensed into a repurposed space -a library of sorts- downstairs). 

I got creative and decided Tye surely did NOT need this whole room to himself...Jim strung a zip-line (smile), I added some clearanced shower curtains...and...wholla!  TWO rooms...Sorta. :)

The journey to get my "Studio" back was physical, mental, and spiritual.

I could not have gone through this process last year.

Not focus, to many memories, no motivation, to tired...

But...even through the slumps  (as I documented a few posts ago), I am able to fight through them and get to the "other side" a bit easier now. 

PTSD is sort of like life.

It pulls you down. You fight to get back up.

Redoing the Studio was a "fight to get back up" and I am seriously thankful and proud that I had the fight! 

Here's to "getting back up" my friends...

ANDREA

Now...Who Wants Some Art?? ;)

If I was not a Momma....

My soul would not have felt the communion with one individual that makes me feel more connected to my Creator.

Call my corny and un-sanctimonious  (you would not be the first) but when I connect with my child during the day, or have a 'moment', or have a great conversation...I feel like I've had a bit of church.


If were not a Momma I would have rolled my eyes at the above statement. Now? Never. I get it.


I were not a Mom...my personality would not have matured into the 'thing' it is now that can walk past dirty socks, empty cups, and throw (well they are called 'throw pillows' Mom) all over the house and not pass out or scream. 

(this development of my personality did take awhile and is still working out it's kinks...but....it's improved ;)


My interactions with others would be so much more close-minded.

The journey of Motherhood and researching and learning what it entails has brought me into contact with beautiful cultures, people, and art that would never have happened before.


I am a 'broader" person thanks to Motherhood. It is not something that I am certain would have happened to me without my children.


If I was not a Momma...I would not love as fiercely as I do or with as much intent. (I didn't know I didn't know how...until I loved the ones God dropped into my heart)


I used to think I 'loved' people. I was raised is a fairly non-demonstrative family but I felt I knew what "love" was.


When I met Jim....I felt a new and surprising kind of love. The "roller-coaster/ oh heck life is going to rock" kinda of love....a beautiful love that was practically tangible. 

Our love was 'and now you may kiss the bride' bound after I finally dragged his butt down the aisle and we said our vows, our covenant, before God, friends, and family 9 months later. (and I said a big ol' "booyah"!! teehee)


3 years later. I held my first child. 

A new type of love was poured into my soul as if I'd just lost at the dunk tank.


When I became a Momma....I instantly had a love that rearranged my thoughts, priorities, and my drive. It threw me into a lurch that I was, truly, not prepared for.


 It was to beautiful to describe.


The 'Momma-Love' does not diminish the other Love's .... it is surely enhanced by them and vice versa. 


Our marriage soared after we became parents....soared over and under and through some anti-aircraft bombardment...but it soared danggit ;)


The weight of 14 month-old Chase Lee in my arms-my first baby!-it felt like the only 19 lbs  in the world at the moment and I could not fathom or even understand what was happening inside my soul as I looked into his coffee-colored eyes, and listened to him babble a bit in Russian.


If I was not a Momma...I would not still be a bit confused and surprised by the intensity of a Mother's love. (was that just jet lag???!)  I hadn't a clue this was how kids affected hearts. Extraordinary.

I remain happily confused though..and, no, it is not the jet lag..unless one can also acquire jet lag at your local hospital after 10 (200?) hours of labor a few times also .....


(Mind you...I am not speaking in absolutes...more like prose-of-sorts.  I know there are gray's to Mothering. This post is about the highs...I know there are lows....as I write this with a  history of depression related to post-partum issues -but those are not the child's fault-....it is not all roses. You are right. 

But...if we fly high from the ground, and look down upon our Mothering-lives so far as - if from an airplane... Mothering..well.....it's pretty rockin' rosy from up here...usually.)


The soul-changing experience is not diminished with each additional child. Actually, it is beautifully reverberated.


I have heard and then passed on this phrase, " A person's ability to love multiplies when new loves are added ... the ability does not divide." Jim and I have seen this play out in our lives. 

To us, it is a truth.


If I was not a Momma, I might not have discovered this in such a soul-rendering type of love-way.


If I was not a Momma, I would not know the beautiful smell of a newborn's breath that, even in the middle of the night when all you want is sleep,   acts like tonic for your tired heart, tight pinky holds, the gorgeous feeling of my new toddler crying into my neck, flying across oceans with knots and nerves and giggling when the airplane finally lands in the your child's country, swaddling holds, and the fresh moments of "aw" that do not stop after one child.


Nor do moments of 'aw' stop when the child grows up a bit.


Motherhood is progressive yet ancient, intuitive yet confusing, thrilling yet sometimes full of immense sorrow.


If I was not a Mother....I would not be 'this' Andrea.


I am not sure who I would be.


I think "she" would be involved, passionate about many things, probably painting a lot more (;)....


But THIS Andrea...This Andrea that is a Momma....


Feels that "Happy Mother's Day" is a bit silly...it should be "THANK YOU, luv MOM" Day.


Andrea
Note to my Collection: Regardless of that last sentence, I will accept any and all gifts you have already purchased for me (er me for myself) as I would not want to inconvenience you with their return. You are welcome my child.

Difficult Difficult Difficult week.

Just wanting to check in here as I miss you guys.


PTSD and anxiety has hit me in the face like an out of control baseball since Sunday.


I feel like these "breakthrough bad days" feel much worse as I've had a bit of a break from the really bad symptoms.  Since I started a different medicine combination several months ago, I have not felt this 'horrible' for days on end.


This week I was back to sleeping 35+ hours in a row (from 6:30 Tuesday to midnight Wednesday. Is that 35 hrs? I have no focus even for math. sheesh.)  I have not done that "sleep 30+ hours" in over a year.

I had an anxiety attack in public on Tuesday afternoon.

I was so embarrassed. 

 I think it just broke through that apparently thin layer of "functioning" that I was gaining through the new medications.) 

We didn't have the thought that that barrier was so thin and easily shatter. 

Soooooo....I'm sure I will bounce back in next day or two. Please God let me bounce.

Prayers appreciated.

This is not much fun for anyone under this roof.

Andrea

I mean..REALLY kids? REALLY? 2 of the 5 almost got us today.

Okay.


I have learned a lesson today.


Just because one has parented for almost 15 years...well that means NOTHING.


Well...It means "something". Like SURVIVAL.


This post tongue-in-cheek because it must be or I will throw my computer across the room and that would stink because then all my friends would get hurt. (teehee) [you get it..right?]


Today was a PARENTING struggle. STRUGGLE I tell you.

One of our boys, again whom I will try to remain nameless...... uh-hem...

Decided to completely break some standard, easy-peasy, rules we have had for several YEARS.


WHA????


I thought we'd gotten over this hill with the oldest one and the others would not follow in his now corrected footsteps.


Dang I was SO WRONG.


Now that I sit here and think about it...It is a big "hand-slap-to-the-fore-head" moment.


Why did I assume that? We are raising 5 different personalities. Not one. FIVE. Oh the pressure on that oldest....(so sorry oldest one...)

 

(this picture of the FIVE makes me spit with laughter...they were NOT happy with me...the sun was in their eyes and I was being bossy ;)

Oh the pressure on that oldest....(so sorry oldest one...)..you are still so stinkin' cute ....swoon....

Anyways....

Why did this SHOCK me so much today?  

Because of my assumptions I suppose? (and the fact that the one who shall remain nameless who really loves guitar has mad logic skills and the rules he broke were logic-based! growl.)

And...He REALLY broke them. More on that later. (it involved a hot tub.)


Want MORE from (just) TODAY??


You know that ANGEL that we have....the one that had (and has) us wrapped around our hearts the instant we held her in Guatemala City, Guatemala? Yep, this one....

 Maybe you remember [cuz I am assuming you all memorize my rants...giggle....another silly assumption] that we have been working with our "ANGEL" on cleaning her room. 

She has been either "incapable" or "rebellious" about this:

Terrifying eh? Well....we decided to take everything out of her room [a natural consequence for not being able to clean your room because we deemed it "rebellious" after seeing her clean up other things.]


We left a fair amount of clothes for her and her crayons and coloring books.


I went in there today because the clothes, that we allowed her to keep out, were spread out ALL OVER the floor and had been for quite awhile.


I went, with the ANGEL, to discuss "the matter" AND..... see that pink chair in the back righthand corner of the picture above?


A HUGE SMILEY FACE....PURPLE/BLUE....seemingly CRUSHED into the chair's upholstery! As in it looked like it had been dyed.

 I tried not to scream (I was successful) though I did gasp as I had debated and debated whether or not to buy that chair when putting her nursery together a few years ago.


I decided to buy the chair because it could "grow" with her.


BUT NOT WITH A SMILEY FACE ON IT!


"AVEN! What? Huh? Aven????" I calmly said. [yeah right]


"Momma....You know those purple flowers in the pot that we have? Well, I picked one...JUST one...and I saw that it drawed on my hand. So....I...."


"THAT IS POLLEN?????" I gasp 

[again. NO screaming. But thinking ... this is worse than when she pooped in the bathtub. WAY worse. How do you get BLUE/PURPLEish POLLEN [seriously Aven?] out of a fairly light pink chair??]


"Well, it came from that flower." she said. She was started to understand the gravity of the action due to the shaking of my hands and the ticking of my head.


I REALLY should not have been surprised....yet again....Why was I surprised that a 5 year old colored on something "illegal" [the pollen part...now that's original...I'll give her that.] 


AND...I should have know this ANGEL would have pulled this kinda stuff ... well...because look:

Yes.  "Goth" Barbie dolls and a collection of hair she's cut off of said dolls.  Creepy?  Kinda.


And...I 've had other kids mark, with a 'SHARPIE' marker no less, on the leather seats of our SUV. 

(Thanks for that 8 yr old Chase. We wills always remember that as we still have that car and....yep....most of your 'art work' is still there. For the record, it is extremely hard to remove 'Sharpie' marker 'art' from leather...just sayin'.)


So...again...my assumption that Aven would keep her...um...pollen in a flower (wha???) was totally wrong.


But LOOK:

How could THAT do THAT?


Sigh.


We still haven't figured out the consequences for the guitar-loving boy. He got an earful today but Jim and I are still brain-storming a "natural consequence" for his actions.


Personally, I think setting fire to his bike and then running over it with my huge van seems appropriate. And then, putting a GPS on him so we'd ALWAYS know he was.

 (this gives you a bit of insight into his indiscretions...eh? Also involved our very large neighborhood and friends we didn't know and a hot tub! yes...a hot tub (fully clothed. All boys. Thank God.) shaking my head. A HOT TUB.


By the time we figured out his location and he came home...he was DRIPPING WET! I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, run away, or just wave a white flag.


I spent my day watching Aven scrub POLLEN off of a chair (by the way, a toothbrush, hot water, "Oxy-Clean", and patience gets POLLEN out of upolstery), showing a 5 year old how to sort clothes and lay them flat....FLAT. 

How hard is that exactly I ask?


Locating our 12 year old...mind you...I have an anxiety disorder? yep. NOT a good combination. Not Trey's fault that I have PTSD/anxiety BUT just not a fun time.

Ultimately, I learned a valuable lesson today.

I should NEVER assume that we have this parenting gig figured out. It doesn't matter if you have one or twenty-two children.

 It's impossible to truly figure it out. To not be surprised. To be able to predict what the day holds. Nope. Impossible.

You know I was praying for patience with Aven and praying Trey was safe...

And we will pray our way through the rest of the beautiful [yes, beautiful...I still love them all ;] years we are endowed with having them under our roof.

BUT...if I EVER see POLLEN on upholstery..

Or find that a kid of ours has been in a HOT TUB  (while being MIA for way to long...growl) at a house we didn't know know (seriously?) without asking permission and that kid is under the age of 18...well...

Signing Off Tonight As A Momma with Less Assumptions in Her Apron (now that's funny) -

Andrea

(yes that's a paint brush..but NOT a flower. We're safe. Maybe.)